“i know the angels loved you too . . .and i know you will be good where you going’, these are the words that got me hooked to Praise Umali’s #september album, especially song number 2 even before it was officially released. it in a way spoke to me, and i felt each and every word of it.
i remember first watching Praise perform his own music with Kotanna in 2019 at Story Club in Area 47, he was full if energy. fast forward to this year when i heard ‘you’ll be good’ for the first time, i remembered that day, and feeling i felt and how we jumped and danced as he performed ‘proud’ with a live band, but this time around, the feeling was different. what i felt this time around was a deep understanding of something that i have been struggling to do: “acceptance”.
acceptance that God is love
acceptance that because God is love
He loved Kotanna more, than i did
acceptance that, that is ‘possible’ and true
that God can love someone more that we can ever think
that He loves us more than other people, anybody, love us
acceptance that the angels loved her too
i don’t know what its called, when you listen to a song and suddenly you start feeling and accepting things that subconsciously, you denied, disagreed with. while consciously, you accept that one day, we will all die and that’s a fact, spiritually or otherwise, its a known fact. but the fact that someone you love, care about and completes you has to go, that, that is ‘unacceptable’ and this is not in comparison or in contrast of ‘who instead’.
allowing myself to ‘feel’ has been by the far the most challenging thing to accept and do. and it might sound as a simple thing for someone to not be able to do, but its really tough. allowing myself to feel sad because i am sad, happy because i am happy, the fluidity of choices hasn’t been and still isn’t easy to do. as most times, i dont wanna be sad, i wanna be happy, i wanna be joyful and joke around and laugh out loud for the most of my life. but the question is, is that my reality? as much as its not a bad thing to do, am i being realistic with how i really feel and am i being true to myself first?
the struggle between these and a million of other confusing unanswerable questions is a constant battle mental and sometimes, you just want it to stop, you just want it go away; the struggle. that you should just numb the pain away, or not exist entirely.
but is that what she would have wanted? for me to waste my life away? did i not not learn anything from my time with her? that life is for the living and that we should cherish every single day of our lives as we promised on the afternoon of the 19th of August, 2019 on the veranda at Four Seasons? as much as the thoughts and conviction of living on come by every now and then, one of the biggest struggles that one faces after losing someone they love is the constant thought of “betrayal.”
every now and then, you keep rolling back to a corner after every change or step you take because you convince yourself that you are betraying their memory, or you are trying to replace them. and the mind together with the heart, tell you in unison that ‘NO’, you can’t, you shouldn’t, never! and deep down, you feel it that it is true, that you dont want to lose any or those memories, in any way, be it creating new ones with someone else or any sense of letting go.
i wish i could i could share more of how i have been feeling recently, but i don’t really know how i feel most of the times, as i am feeling new things, a deeper sense of lose than the anger that i have in me for while, and if your next question is what have i been angry at? or about? the honest truth is, i also dont know.
i am just glad to be at a place where, i am slowly accepting that ‘the angels loved her too’ as hard as that is, and i am still learning to accept that, as the days go by, one at a time. . .